I feel myself drowning, except everyone around me is breathing. Utterly helpless, leaden, dull, unable to move. Oh my, am I trapped? An unwilling witness to those living what appear to be happy lives. Anger at everyone’s obliviousness to my condition invades my lungs, heart and spirit. The waves of pincer-like pain keep pummeling my brain as my body is dragged down, down, down onto the inky, cold depths of the ocean floor, choking me. The question is, should I stay fetal-like or find my way to surface?
Oh, my thoughts, STOP! “I’m so stupid; everyone is looking at me and laughing; Nothing good ever happens for me”, Just make it stop! I lost it, not knowing when or where, but I lost it. I don’t recognize myself anymore. My reflection, all I see is a stranger with a haunted, hopeless expression. I remember experiencing joy but it feels like those emotions occurred in a far-off, never-to-be revisited galaxy. I recall my happy memories like scenes from a movie once viewed, not as something personally experienced. I know I used to laugh and joke but now all I want to do is sleep.
My eyes tell a different, my heart sings a different tune, and my soul just weeps. I forced myself to eat and the food is tasteless. Rather than lighting my soul, the sun’s rays feel like pellets against my skin. Whether my eyes are open or closed, existentially all I see is full-eclipse blackness. I sleep walk through my days, craving the “little death” of sleep to escape the torture of being awake. It perfectly describes how alone and terrifying it is to be imprisoned inside the inescapable bog that comprises serious depression.
Will I ever be saved? A helping hand is all I need to survive, but wait, nobody ever notices me, and even if they do I’m the prey they are looking for. How did it get this far? Not a single person stood up for me, not even myself.
